After hitting send on the last post, it felt like accepting myself became harder. Weird, but maybe not. Uncertainty grew and I’m having a hard time accepting myself. No, really I am. We came back from a conference this weekend, Made in His Image, which made me smile on my face and heart at the thought of how God works.
We (I guess I haven’t introduced you to the fam. Pause for a cause-my momma, Eileen, the fabulous worker who keeps us three running bridging the gap between a young twenty something living back at home (boomerang/millennial reality), Grammy, my momma’s mom whose age I cannot reveal but reality is she’s doing great and age is just a number, and me, all live at my grandmother’s house) packed up the car on Friday morning in our blue drive way under the warm sunny So Flo day driving off to the West Coast for this conference.
On the car drive, over, I found myself drifting into thought, writing in my head, as I edited through some writings earlier in the week. I found myself zoning into the work and out of conversation between my grandmother and I, becoming short (or shorter than usual) with what I said and began well, hardcore judging myself. Is this why I miss out? Is this how I miss connection with people?
Insecurity wanted back in.
And writing this out is where I am realizing that was happening. Wow, God thanks for space to process.
We dropped off bags and Grammy at my aunt and uncle’s place in Naples to begin our drive an hour north to Fort Myers for the weekend. Familiar faces from a conference I went to at the end of last year greeted warmly. It felt like coming home.
Sitting in red barn style church, with carpeted pews and stained glass, next to my mom on the second day these words came from a pastor who feels more like a friend.
God accepts our personality.
Come again say what?!
You mean the things I want to change in me, God actually accepts? Just as they are?! Not without a behavior plan or promise to do it better or different next time?! Right where I am as I am?
Hearing those words y’all felt like fresh water going down into me. My personality is something I have wanted to change. There are places where I feel insecure and want it different/ Maybe you do too. Even today I was hit with a reality of my personality that left me in the car praying “Am I really like this?” while Grammy finished an errand. Thankfully, the Healer comes in and another layer of healing got brought up as I was having a hard time accepting that reality about myself.
Here’s the beauty of grace that is washing life over my soul-Christ accepts me. That piece of my personality that irritates me, Christ accepts. He made it. I don’t have to change it or do anything different. There’s freedom to surrender it back to Him and ask Him to use it. For Him and His glory.
I didn’t plan on writing any posts outside of the verse posts or series, but when things move and honesty hits, write, right?
Happy (almost) end to your MLK Monday dear readers. Grace and peace as you rest in your identity this week!